Great OneLiners

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
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A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-Milton Berle
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I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?"
She replied,"In the lake."
-Henny Youngman
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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
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After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."
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When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
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I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I
got myself two girlfriends.
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
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A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
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Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a
Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
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Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
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A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men.
It only seems longer.
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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost
impossible.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through
life Thinking they had no faults at all.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for
whatever he wants,
But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets.
The man thinks for a moment and says,"Okay, give me a
million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is
to forget it once.
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First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive